I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
