Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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