These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
