He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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