I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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