You work out of a Hotel?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
