This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to make out with him forever
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
