hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
