i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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