did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
