Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
