I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
