so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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