People with herpes should wear stickers.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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