I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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