so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
