i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
