just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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