you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Actions speak louder than pants.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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