You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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