I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
