I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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