I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
