I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
