You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
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