he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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