i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
