I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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