The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
