Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
