I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
