Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
tell me about the eggs
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