Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
