; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just found puke in my bra..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
