I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
