When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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