Little spoons don't ask big questions
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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