And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
