Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
