Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
