bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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