I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
