Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can vaginas get frostbite?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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