I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
