You're so nebulous sometimes
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
