i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
