Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
