I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
