She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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