Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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