You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
