I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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