Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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