I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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