they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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