2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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