Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
