Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
