you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
