Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
